Parenting is some treacherous shit.

You know, as a parent, there are moments that you are pretty sure your heart has physically stopped.   Tonight, I experienced one of those moments.

I’d been on Reddit, and wandered away from my computer to load the dishwasher while my Monkey was brushing her teeth before bed.  She came into the kitchen (where I, and my computer were) to give me a hug and a kiss, and while I finished up the dishes, she casually asked, “Mama… what is porn?”

Oh dear, sweet Jesus.  What a terrible day this has become.

I instantly flashed my eyes to the computer, and thought what the fuck was I looking at?  I’m pretty sure I was just looking at a post about English Freaking Muffins.  DAMN YOU REDDIT.

Not seeing anything terribly offensive on the screen, I said, “What are you talking about?  That’s not a nice word, where did you hear it?”

“It’s there.  On your computer.  Food Porn.”

Well, fuck.

“Well..  that’s just pictures of food.”

“Okay, so.. porn means pictures?” she asked me, clearly dubious about my definition.

*sigh*  “Alright, well..  technically.. PORN… which, I want to remind you, is not a nice word…  Is like…  when boys look at pictures of naked girls because it makes them all excited and weird and happy.”

She made the disgusting WTF face.  Thank the heavens.

“Yeah, that’s pretty weird, huh?” I ask her…  to reinforce in her 8-year old mind that porn, is in fact, deviant, and nothing to be explored.

“Uhhhh.. yeah.  Boys are pretty stupid.”

“Yes, Monkeyface… yes, they are.”

“But Mama…” she starts.  sigh.  “What is FOOD porn?”

Heh. “Well, Monkey…  I reckon that’s when fat people look at pictures of naked cupcakes.”

This cupcake is a SLUT.

*giggling*  “How would you make a cupcake naked?”

I answer, “You take off its wrapper!” *insert comedically dramaticized gasp*


“You’re funny, Mama.”

“Yes, yes…. Mama’s funny.  Please don’t repeat this to your friends.  Let their mommies be funny, too.”

….  oh man, I don’t know if I dodged a bullet or I’m just too stupid to realize it’s still lodged in my thigh.  Please don’t ever let her say PORN again.