I was talking today to The Hausewife and we were talking about when I first moved out to Portland, Oregon to escape a bad marriage and take a stab at this single parenting nonsense. It reminded me of an orgasmic moment after a long, hard day slaving away at work on the street corner. (Cubicle, Street corner – basically the same.)
When I fled my marriage, I neglected to pinch the vacuum cleaner and add it to my truck full of invaluable treasures, so when I arrived in Oregon, it was on my list of things to buy. I’d always wanted one of those Roomba deals. Vacuum FOR me? Yes, please. My best friend, Rock, linked me to a refurbished one on the internet for a really great price, so I forked over for that bad boy. I imagined the house cleaning itself Mary Poppins-style and I was super stoked.
When it got there, I immediately tore into the instruction manual and figured out how to set its automatic timer and chose 2 days a week to have it vacuum while I was at work. I also gave it an instant trial run so I could watch the magic unfold. I stood on the couch, like Queen of the Hill, a glass of wine in my hand, and sang to the heavens while I watched it run awesome little circles around the room, quietly sucking up all of the pixie dust that I naturally leave in my wake. It was *awesome!*
I also had picked up a few of those battery-operated candles to put in some lanterns so that I didn’t have to be bothered with flames and replacement candles, etc. The ones I got surprised me and had a little bonus button on the bottom that allowed them to be on a timer. Basically, you turned them on, and they would stay “lit” for 5 hours, and then come back on at the same time the next night for 5 more hours of party time. Lazy people ambiance, gotta love it.
So, the routine being what it was – I knew that I would be getting home late that particular night, and so I made dinner in the early morning using my crock pot. Roast, potatoes, etc. Pretty standard crock pot fare. It being Tuesday, which was magical vacuum day, I also made sure to pick up any stray socks or lego death traps that might cockblock my vacuum while it was slaving away. I took my spawn to school and went off to my job, saving the world.
That night, weary and broken, I unlocked my front door with a hungry and impatient child at my side, and ….. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My house was clean… and freshly vacuumed. Dinner was ready via the crockpot and smelled scrumptious. And those candles – those damn candles had lit themselves about 15 minutes before I arrived home. Clean house? Dinner ready? Candlelit living room?
I had created myself a wife.
She never gave me a blow job, but to be fair – I never bought her flowers, either.